I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
