if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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