But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
