it was like his penis was on wheels.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Houston, we have a squirter
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
