if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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