hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
