My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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