They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
