Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You are the jesus of drinking
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
