How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Randomize
