i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
