I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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