dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
