So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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