I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
