On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
