she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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