I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
