Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
