explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
