You smell like a Billy Joel song
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
