Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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