Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
