I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
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