I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
