i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Is it because I queefed?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
