Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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