Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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