based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
