I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
