I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
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