You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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