Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
