a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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