We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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