We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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