I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
