i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
