There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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