my phone needs a breathalizer
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
