the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
