I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
