Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize