FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
