If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
