Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
