After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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