I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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