I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
