omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
