It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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