Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I came so hard my ears popped.
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