I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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