Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i love accidental penises.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize