just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize