This dress was meant to end up on your floor
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
