how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
