Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
