She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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