I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
